Tonight i remembered and talked about one of the worst nights of my life. All the pain and hurt i felt by a group of people just hit me. The heartbreaking feeling of knowing i was going through hell and not one single person cared. To have me sit there on the phone while i was told to kill myself and these people i called family just let it happen.
I don’t think i will ever be able to forget that night and the hurt every single one of those people caused me.
I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.
But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.
And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.
We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.
We never know when the bus is coming.
I’ve never quite felt this sense of loneliness. Like everything is happening yet no one really cares. It’s a heartbreaking feeling, yet it’s opening my eyes to the relationships in my life.